birth story

Each time I speak the birth adventure, I remember it differently or more or less thoroughly. This is especially true when Andy and I tell it together as he remembers the experience from a different perspective.

So, here's mine.

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I decided Tuesday, December 18 would be my last day of work. Bug decided the last day would be Monday, December 17.

After weeks of perhaps going into labor, I left the museum every day unsure if I'd return the next day. Every evening I would stay a bit longer to get a bit more done, straighten my desk, grab my jar of peanut butter and box of tea and head home. And every morning, I'd walk in the office to my co-workers who'd sigh and say I thought you had that baby last night! I needed an end date because the waiting and wondering and working was driving me a bit crazy.

I had been experiencing pre-labor contractions for weeks before my water broke in Michael's (yes, the craft store). I worked a long day on Monday, the 17th, skipping afternoon yoga to get some last things finished. I left work straight for Reserve Street to get a few items to finish holiday gifts. I really thought I was suddenly incontinent which didn't seem too far from reality as my bladder capacity was reduced to the size of a tangelo at best. But then it came again and I realized this was happening. Holy shit.

5:45pm. I finished my shopping. I was giddy. I called Andy. I called Jeanne. I called Ruth. I called my parents. When I got home, Andy was packing food and buzzing about the house after his 10 1/2 hour work day. Jeanne told us that if I didn't go into labor within 12 hours that I would have to go to the hospital to be induced because of risk of infection due to the water breaking. So, if by 3am, no labor, I decided to drink Ruth's recipe of castor oil, orange juice and baking soda to induce labor myself. I wanted a birth center birth. Andy left to the Good Food Store and returned with a turkey sandwich, peanut butter pretzels and castor oil. The sandwich didn't go down well, but I did it because I hadn't eaten much that day. I threw it all up.

The contractions started almost immediately and were three minutes apart lasting 30-40 seconds. I sewed Pam's Christmas present in between contractions until Andy said that wasn't working anymore. 7pm. Everything escalated suddenly and I panicked as I was having two contractions in a row without a break and vomiting bile the whole time. I was in the downstairs hallway with my arms desperately spread between the two walls, bracing myself against the tremendous pain complicated by inability to breath through the dry heaves. Andy was on and off the phone with Ruth I think. Or maybe Jeanne. I don't know. I was having a hard time relaxing, breathing and coping. And it was just the very beginning. Something had to change.

We moved upstairs to our bedroom. I took a shower at some point and I remember thinking Soon I won't be pregnant anymore. My next shower, I will be a mom. I stared at my belly.

In our bedroom, I lay on my side facing the south window. It was pretty dark in our room with only the bedside light on low. When a contraction would surge, I leaped from bed and leaned hard on the bedside table. I rocked and breathed. I moaned when I exhaled. Being vocal seemed to help with the pain. I vomited in the celadon green Martha Stewart bowl we use to wash our camping dishes. Andy wanted me to lay down and relax like we had practiced. But I didn't want to. I wanted to be upright and mobile even if it meant expending more energy. Andy continued to be on and off the phone with Ruth and Jeanne. I felt strong and confident. I enjoyed the painful contractions because I could get through them. Puking always made me anxious because I lost my breath but I didn't have a choice. There was no time out. Each contraction had a start and finish and I had the strength to push past them. These short-term goals were satisfying and really really hard.

That time in our room is the fuzziest time in my labor memory. It just hit so fast and hard. I had expected hours of random, increasingly strong contractions. I had expected to sleep and hydrate. Instead of a slow and steady sunrise, I got a meteorological explosion. It was shocking and difficult to catch up mentally and physically.

Ruth came to our house around 10 or 11pm. She was such a welcome sight and told me I was doing great. I remember that so well. When I felt the swell of pain she would say Oh, that is so great! If it hurts that means you are doing really good work. She reminded me to relax my lower half. She rubbed my back. I think she and Andy were talking but I don't know about what. Alice laid on her couch in the living room with her ears back. My noises scared her.

12:30am. Andy called Jeanne and Ruth talked to Jeanne and we decided to make the move to the birth center. It was really cold outside and black as our cat, Sam. The roads were icy. It was really quiet. I had on a negligee, sweat pants, winter boots and my down coat. I remember Ruth laughing at my fashion statement. A contraction passed and we hurried to get to the car. I only made it about nine steps before I felt the next wave approaching. I leaned against the kitchen counter and rocked in the darkness. It passed and we made a dash for the car. Alice looked worried as we left.

I was on all fours in the back seat as we drove. I didn't have a contraction for a few minutes and I expressed my concern to Andy that my labor had stalled. I have heard so many stories of women in labor for hours, stuck at 4cm dilation. But we weren't a half mile from our house when the next one came on strong. I swayed in the back seat. I need air, I said. As soon as Andy began to slow the car, I opened the door and inhaled the dry, frigid air. Babe, how 'bout I roll down the window instead?, he said.

We pulled up to the birth center and it was empty and dark. Jeanne's red compact car was the only one in the parking lot. Ruth pulled in right behind us. As we left the car with our gear (change of clothes, swim trunks for Andy, bug's first outfit, gatorade, gu gel, vitamin water, the quilt Anne and Jenn made, cds, and I don't know what else but the bag was overstuffed), I kind of remember Andy and Ruth joking about my attempted escape from labor at the stop light minutes before.

1am. The center was dimly lit. We walked down the hall I had walked down for many months. Now I had new purpose. I wasn't checking my glucose, protein, blood pressure and weight. I was entering one of the rooms where I would eventually, if all went according to plan, push a baby through a narrow hole in my pelvic bone and into my life forever. Jeanne was lighting candles. Water was filling the big tub. There was music playing. I had a contraction. Jeanne asked Ruth, How long have they been this intense? I don't know what Ruth said but I thought Oh good. If this is intense then I must be close. Jeanne checked my cervix. I was really nervous to know where I was at. Three centimeters, she said. OK, I thought. That's progress.

I put on my bikini top and got in the tub. It felt so great. It was almost too comforting. I didn't want to slow anything down. I was on a roll. Andy kept saying, You got this, babe. Ruth told me to go with it in the tub. To relax. The contractions were close and long. Most of the time I had one minute between the pain. It was so painful. Inexplicably painful. A few times I stared straight at Ruth, begging her to tell me anything that would make me believe this was normal or at least that my body would not indeed break in two. And she would say in her lulling, lovely voice, This is wonderful. That is a great noise. You are doing great work. I know it hurts. Let it go. Andy was always right there within a half arm's length. I loved knowing he was right there. He was always calm. Between contractions, I drifted to sleep with my head resting on the edge of the tub.

3am. Can I check your cervix?, Jeanne asked. After the next contraction, I got out of the tub and on the bed. Five centimeters. This is great, she said. This is text book. One centimeter an hour. You are rocking it, girl. I felt proud. It was working. My body was doing what is was supposed to do. Jeanne or Ruth encouraged me to stay on the bed for a bit because a change of positions can do a cervix good. I laid on my side. I don't remember it much except I was puking a lot then. It felt like I was puking like every 15 minutes. I tried ice chips and a million different beverage mixtures that Andy lovingly made me. I was really hot and then really cold. Freezing and shaking with the chills and then so hot I couldn't stand it. Andy was busy covering me with heavy blankets and then, moments later, scooping them off of me as quickly as he could.

New position. I didn't want to do it but I did it because Ruth and Jeanne told me to. I didn't want to make decisions. I liked being told what to do. I got on the exercise ball with my hands on the bed. I don't know where everyone was but they were all there. It hurt so badly. I had to go to the bathroom but didn't know if I could walk. Andy walked with me and I had a contraction on the toilet. I was leaning forward on his shoulders and he rubbed my back. We went back to the ball. I rocked on that ball for a while. When do people usually ask for the epidural?, I asked, hoping desperately that it was now and not a few centimeters from now. I couldn't do much more. Oh, long long ago. Like, around three centimeters, Jeanne said. This was a much needed confidence booster. Maybe I can do this, I thought.

5am. Seven centimeters. I got back in the tub. I couldn't be bothered with a bikini top at that point. The water was too cold. The steady stream of hot hot water in the cold water felt so good. And then it would be too much. Water off, I would say. And then, after a contraction, Water on. Andy, Jeanne and Ruth were all sitting on the floor with their chins resting on the edge of the candle-lit tub. Jeanne checked bug's heartbeat and my blood pressure throughout the night but I especially remember it at this time because I would have to sit back a bit in the tub so she could reach in the water and make contact with my low belly. I was afraid to move too much or too quickly because I felt like it could ignite a contraction and cut my much-needed break short. For the next two hours, I would squat in the warm water through contractions and then fall backward and drift to sleep for my one minute break. A few times, I woke up because my nose dipped in the water. One time, I woke up before a contraction and my three companions were all asleep, their cheeks smooshed on the tile edge. I felt so fortunate.

7am. Nine and a half centimeters. Lindsay, the nurse, arrived. I think you can push and I can pull your cervix open to ten, Jeanne said. I pushed and about flew off the table when she pulled. NO! was all I could say. I decided I would rather get to ten on my own. She then told me that bug was facing up and needed to be facing down. Jeanne asked Ruth to put me a position to facilitate the flip. This is when I was asked to lay in the most unbearably uncomfortable, horribly counter-intuitive position I could have possibly imagined. The only thing that would have made it worse was if I had to do it in the snow outside. I was on my side on the bed with my arms behind my back and a knee up high over a pillow. I stayed there forever. I vomited in the purple bowl. Maybe an hour? I have no idea but it felt like forever. Ruth was directly in front of me and I held her hand tight. She told me I was allowed to squeeze her hand as long as I relaxed my butt and legs. It was a deal. Andy was behind me. In between a contraction I was very serious when I said, I know this sounds lame but I think we need to consider some other options because I don't think I am physically capable of this. To which Jeanne replied Oh no, you're there. We have come too far to do anything else. You are having a baby soon. I asked how long until I have the baby and Jeanne said a few hours is average. I thought there is absolutely no freaking way I can do this for a few hours. I felt trapped.

8am. Ten centimeters. Bug had flipped. The ungodly position had worked. Time to push. At some point Jeanne had wheeled carts of baby birthing stuff in the room and here I was. This is when I was the most scared. I had mastered the contractions. I didn't feel like pushing. Wasn't I supposed to feel a strong urge to push? I didn't. What did that mean? I rolled to my back and Andy sat behind me. The contractions hurt so badly at that point I felt dizzy. And they were for nothing if I wasn't pushing. I was at ten. Now I was supposed to push through them. I cautiously pushed a few times and it felt so different. I was afraid to push. I wanted to pace myself. What if I ran out of energy? How am I supposed to know how hard to push if I don't know how long I will have to do it for? Jeanne sensed my hesitation and I told the crew of my anxiety. Jeanne flatly said You are a pillar of strength. You still have so much energy. Push as hard as you can.

Ruth stood to my left and held the crux of my knee up high and back. Andy held my other leg. I held him and lifted myself a bit off the bed. I was told to aim my pelvis up toward the ceiling. When I did this, Jeanne and Ruth said Yes! Just like that! Andy told me to just try it to push hard for ten full seconds. I did it for five. Then six. And eventually trusted myself enough to push four times with each contraction: five seconds for the first push and then ten seconds three times in a row. I was only listening to Andy. He counted for me in my ear. I squeezed his hand. I was squeezing his knee at first and he endured it for a full minute before politely offering me his hand. His knee was throbbing red. I apologized. I think we kissed then. I remember telling him I loved him and we kissed.

The pressure and burning pain rocked my world. I watched my belly contort as the contractions came. It would rise sharply on the right and I felt like bug was trying to push straight out of the front of me. Lindsay checked the baby's pulse in between contractions and I think my blood pressure too. It was always a huge relief to hear bug's heartbeat. I thought How can a baby be living through this?

I pushed and pushed and pushed. I screamed at the end of each contraction. I felt wild. The release after pushing through a contraction was so enveloping that I just roared with relief when it was over. I thought about the unsuspecting birth center clients that were arriving for their 21 week check-ups thinking holy shit what have I got myself into? as I grunted and moaned after 13 hours of exhausting labor without food or water.

Lindsay was taking pictures and holding a mirror so I could see what was happening. I would feel the hard body descend and all three women would smile and laugh and say Oh good push! Another just like it! Look! Can you see her in the mirror? I couldn't look in the mirror. I was so focused. I was unable to multi-task. I pushed and pushed. Every time I felt her come down I would then feel her suck right back up inside. What is happening? How much longer? I still wanted a time line even though I knew it was impossible. Jeanne was great at accommodating my hyper and I am sure a annoying need for a strategic plan. She finally said If you keep pushing like that you are having a baby within ten minutes. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I have no idea if it was two minutes or an hour before she was born, but hearing that it was actually going to happen at some point was all I needed.

I pushed and pushed. And then a new, raw pain of opening. And then Jeanne said Reach down and feel her! And I did and I looked between my legs to see a pasty blue head. Andy said Oh my god. He was laughing. What do I do? What do I do?!, I yelled. I didn't know the head would come out without the rest of the body. I had pushed for over two hours. Jeanne calmly informed me that I had a few choices: that I could take a rest and then push the baby out or that I could just go ahead and have a kid right then. I was in no place to make a decision and I panted with the pain and told her to tell me what to do. She said push. I did and Margot Bea was born at 10:03am.

Andy and I reached down and made contact with our bug as she was being born. Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck so Jeanne quickly lifted the thick sci fi-looking rope over her 13 1/2 inch head and she crouched on my bare chest. She held her head up and stared at Andy and me. She didn't even squeak. Is she supposed to cry or something? I asked. With a grin, Jeanne said, No. This is natural childbirth. I imagined the birth feeling peaceful to her as she squirmed her way down and out of my body. She just stared at us like she was thinking I have been wondering what you would look like. It is good to finally know. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

I was laughing. My entire body was trembling. Shaking hard. Quaking. Andy had his arms wrapped around his girls. There was a red towel over bug's body. She had a body. She was a person that was in me that Andy and I made and now she was out. We stayed like that for a while. Like maybe an hour. Jeanne stitched me up a bit. I had torn. Bug came out with her arm over her head. The last thing I wanted was anyone rooting around down there but the stitching up wasn't a big deal. Then the placenta came out and Jeanne inspected it on the bed next to us. It was so cool. This fleshy, ripe organ that had kept bug alive for months that was now benign. Now she was breathing and it was up to us.


We laid around for hours and had some visitors. Margot's cone head dissipated. We stared at her--this impossible creature. It was all so wonderful. I felt so in love and loved. No hospital protocols dictating the agenda. Jeanne and Lindsay gave her a bath in a bucket on the floor by the french doors. I practiced breastfeeding in the cool winter light that cut through the wooden blinds. Lindsay came in and out. So did Jeanne. They checked me and bug. We left for home at 5pm. Andy said Isn't it crazy that they let us come home with her? Doesn't it seem like we should need a permit or something?

And then we were home. We ate hearty soup Caroline made us. We went to bed at 7pm with bug between us, everything different forever.